Thursday, October 16, 2008

in this time of life

There have been several times when I have spoken to people and they have expressed to me how they were going through a hard time, and they were not sure what it was God really wanted them to do. Well, I being a good christian brother gave the good advise that probably everyone else had been giving them "hang in there God will show you the way" or "God must just have another plan for your life" and another good one "This is just a valley you'll get out soon". Well I just recently found out something that pretty much broke my heart, i received an e-mail stating that I did not get a high enough grade on my pharmacology final, in the paramedic program I had a 73% and needed a 75% on this one particular test to continue with the program. Well upon reading this my heart immediately sank. My dream for the past two years, all my hard work, all the studying and the few clinical hours I had already done all for nothing! Why? that was the first thing that came to mind then the usual "this isn't far!" and then the thoughts of "how stupid am I" and "what now" well for the most part I heard the above "God will show you the way" and I thought to myself, well it's easier said than done. I have found a new appreciation for people who have gone through a similar time in their lives. I think the worst part about the whole ordeal is the feeling of being a failure I know deep down that I am not "STUPID" but when something like this happens you can't help but have those feelings. I am truly at a loss right now and not knowing what you are suppose to do is a really hard reality to face, if only I had a back up plan... but alas no plan B was put in order, because I thought that there could only be one plan! Another avenue that my brain has traveled in the way of thinking that really shouldn't happen but you really cant help but do and that is "if this door was closed how do I know or how can I be sure that the next door won't slam in my face?" after saying all this and thinking and praying about the whole situation I have come to realize that I am yes still very upset but I am also in a way relieved..... why? I can't explain I still wish I could be going to class but for some reason I have a sense of peace about the situation. I don't know what it is God has planned for me but I know that what ever it is, how big or how small I will try to follow where he leads.

3 comments:

Marylou said...

I am praying for God to show you His will. I know it must be really really hard for you right now. I love you

Nicole said...

Here is a thought, every time in my life that MY plan crumbled(and I've had some BIG crumbles)I feel totally broken and all you can do is say, "ok, God, what's YOUR plan then?" The really cool thing is...for EVERY SINGLE ONE of those times, looking back on them, I would not change one thing, because where God led me instead was WAY better than anything I had laid out. I.E. My wonderful husband and your whole family that I am a part of b/c things didn't work out with OTHER PLANS. So now...when things don't go my way, I still get a little sad, but I can't help getting really excited at the same time to see what it is that I don't know yet!

Anonymous said...

I love you Babe! You are an excellent writer. I 2nd Nicole's advice.....and "I'm your biggest FAN!" lol:)